Heartbreak
by Tasha9315
Summary: James and Lily's relationship from Severus Snape's POV.


**This story is written for The House Competition by Moonlight Forgotten (Year 5).**

**Round 5**

**House: Gryffindor**

**Class Subject: Transfiguration**

**Category: Standard**

**Prompts: [Emotion] Heartbroken**

**Word Count: 1864**

Severus Snape had one regret throughout his life: how he'd blown things up with Lily Evans. Of course, he blamed Potter. If Potter hadn't attacked him that day, he wouldn't have used that word on her.

If he was being honest with himself, he knew it wasn't just about him calling her that wretched word. She had laid out a choice for him. It was either her or his path to becoming a Death Eater. But he couldn't choose; he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Even without his slip up with saying Mudblood, she eventually would have cut off ties with him when she realized he was set in his joining his other friends.

After their fifth year, all that was left of their relationship was him staring longingly at her from afar during their classes or in the Great Hall during meal times. It perhaps could have been easier on him if it wasn't for the fact that she'd gradually grown closer to Potter. How was it fair that the arrogant toerag was her friend whilst he was on the blacklist? Severus was sure Dumbledore was a moron when he'd found out Potter was made Headboy. He couldn't think of anyone more unworthy of the post, except maybe Black. Now Potter could get closer to his Lily as she was Headgirl.

* * *

Severus was walking down the corridor when suddenly, with a gasp escaping his lips, he came to a halt. There, pressed against the stone wall, was his Lily snogging Potter.

He felt a pang in his chest, almost as though a knife was piercing his heart. How could she? Did Potter use a love potion on her, or maybe jinx her?

Deep inside, he knew that they were truly smitten with each other; he could see it through the look in their eyes as their arms wrapped around each other.

But why Potter? What did she see in him? Was it because he'd stopped Black's plans to send him to an early death earlier that year? That was it, wasn't it? Potter had bragged about how he'd saved poor Snivellus from his werewolf friend.

He turned away, the knife still piercing his heart. He could only imagine their friends teasing them in public, making them blush, or watching them holding hands in class. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to endure it for long.

* * *

It seemed he couldn't help himself from being further heartbroken.

Severus slunk against the Hog's Head's grimy windows, his dark eyes peering inside. He hadn't meant to watch Lily and James on their first date, yet when he'd seen the pair walking down the road, hand-in-hand, he'd slipped away from Mulciber and followed them.

Now, he wished he hadn't. The sight of them holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes lovingly made him sick. He hated to admit it, but he wished he was in Potter's position. He wished he was the one who was holding hands with her, the one who could snog her and make her laugh just like Potter was.

Yet again, he found himself turning away, not wanting to see more. Yet again, he knew he would soon fail that goa, and that he did.

On another day, he found himself hiding out in a suit of armor in order to spy on the happy couple. He was disgusted when he saw them shamelessly engage in public displays of affection, ranging from teasing each other to holding hands, to, worst of all, snogging. Granted, the corridor was empty and he was the only person watching, but still. He felt another pang when he saw them enter an empty classroom. Potter was the rule-breaker whilst Lily always followed rules, yet here she was, shirking her Head Girl duties to snog the git. He didn't even want to think about what else she'd do in an empty classroom while everyone else was asleep. He bet it was Potter's bad influence.

On yet another occasion of his stalking—or watching over Lily as he would tell himself—Severus hid behind the bushes as Lily and Potter laid beside each other by the lake, gazing at the moon. They were out after hours; was Potter incapable of not breaking rules? He was breaking rules, too, but for a good cause, he convinced himself. He saw the same sick routine of them holding hands while gazing at the moon. Potter made nauseating comments which she apparently found funny or romantic; she looked at Potter like she'd never looked at him.

But this time, Potter didn't stop at that. He gazed into her eyes. "Lily… I love you."

Severus felt a surge of anger. He had half a mind to come out and curse Potter, and he would have if Lily wasn't with him. He silently begged her not to say it back.

Tears welled up in his eyes, however, when she ignored him. "I love you, too."

* * *

As much as Severus tried convincing himself otherwise, he couldn't deny they were in love. It was clear from the way they looked at each other. He'd overheard, or rather, had eavesdropped on an intense conversation between them where they planned on fighting against Voldemort and building a family together and knew they wanted the same things. But he thought Potter was a fool. Why couldn't he just mind his own business and go off becoming a professional Quidditch star or something? Why did he have to "play hero"? He didn't care if Potter risked himself fighting against Voldemort, but Lily was doing it along with him.

* * *

Sometime after graduation, Severus' glimmer of hope that Lily would come to her senses disappeared forever.

He stared at the plate of uneaten treacle tart, sure his appetite would never return. He hoped against hope that Lucius had heard wrong. Lily couldn't have married Potter, she just couldn't have. And yet, he knew the blond was not lying.

"Please tell me you're not mourning over that Mudblood," Lucius said, noticing Severus' lack of appetite. "There are worthier girls with purer blood out there. If anything, it's Potter's loss."

Severus knew his old friend meant to comfort him, but his words only made him feel worse.

* * *

It seemed as though his heart would never heal.

With sunken eyes from years of little sleep, he stared at the letter in front of him. Lucius had thought it punent to inform him that Lily and Potter had been stupid enough to have a baby at twenty-years-old.

He felt like he couldn't breath. Why did they do such a thing when they were fighting in the war? He bet it was Potter's recklessness. His Lily was sensible and careful. Snape himself was already a Death Eater, but was careful and clever enough not to be known as one.

* * *

Still, he couldn't quite give himself a break from the torment.

Wanting to see Lily for one last time, he'd shown up at the Potter's to watch her in secret. He'd snuck through their back fence on the cold December night, not caring that the icy air made him shiver.

Peering through a window, he saw Lily and Potter delightfully dote on their infant son. She laid her head on James' shoulder as he kissed her forehead. They were glowing and looked every bit in love.

Severus turned away, begrudgingly accepting that they were happy together and had built a life together. It did nothing to heal his heart, which was now in a million pieces inside his chest, but he had accepted that Lily would never be his. Nothing could ever mend it, but at least he had the knowledge that she was happy with Potter, no matter how much he hated the git.

* * *

Severus was now in a difficult position. Never did he expect the Potter's fates would cross his path again. He stood before Voldemort, contemplating his words.

"My Lord… since it's the boy that you really want, could you spare just the mother?"

"Ah, yes, Severus. I heard she was an old friend of yours. But I have no room for such sentiments. I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you if you have affection for anyone on the other side, as naturally, it would be a threat to me," Voldemort said.

Severus had to quickly think. He realized how truly merciless Voldemort was even towards his own followers.

"No... No, my lord. I feel no such sentiments for her. She lost any bit of affection I had for her as a friend when she defiled herself with Potter," Severus said.

"Then what's the problem, Severus?" asked the dark lord.

"I desire her sexually, my lord. I loathe Potter so much that it would give me great pleasure to have Potter's wife for myself as a trophy. She's only a Mudblood. She isn't much of a threat and can be kept in her place," Severus said, feeling sick with himself as the words escaped his mouth. "I merely ask if I could have her as a reward, but only if you please."

"Hmm… very well. I reward my followers. I see no harm in rewarding you a Mudblood as an object of sexual desire," Voldemort said. "You have my word that she alone would be spared, but I expect more service and loyalty in return."

"Thank you, my lord, and certainly."

* * *

It was now almost ten months later. Not trusting Voldemort to keep his word, Severus had gone to Dumbledore and had the Potters sent into hiding. They were constantly on the move whenever Voldemort found out their location, and Severus secretly tipped Dumbledore off each time. But now they'd used a secret keeper charm and Severus had just found out that their secret keeper had betrayed them. Any minute now, Voldemort would attack them. He had no time to warn Dumbledore. He had to rescue Lily himself. Fortunately, the Death Eater who'd told him about the plan had also revealed their location.

Severus watched Voldemort enter the Potter's safe house. He heard Potter yelling at Lily to run with their son. He had half a mind to let Voldemort kill Potter before rescuing Lily, but keeping his life depth to Potter, and with Lily's happiness in mind, he knew he had to do something.

Slipping inside, he focused the back of his master's and raised his wand. Just as Voldemort raised his own wand to kill Potter, Severus whispered words he'd never thought he'd say: "_Avada Kedavra!_"

Unlike a normal human being, Voldemort's body burst into ashes. As they fell to the ground, Potter gasped and and his eyes grew wide when he saw who his savior was.

"Well, now I've repaid your life depth, Potter," Severus said.

By then, Lily had come running towards her husband with their baby. She looked just as stunned as Potter to see him. It took them several minutes to get over their shock and stammer their thanks.

Severus would now be hailed as a hero by the Wizarding World for killing Voldemort. But that would be nothing compared to the heartbreak he still had at losing Lily and watching her be happy with someone else.


End file.
